She continued, “I care enough about your evolution to not answer those questions because it’s like popping a zit that you know isn’t going to pop. It’ll just leave a fucking scar; it’s not a good thing to do. You can’t know what someone is feeling until they tell you, and when they tell you, believe them.”
I tend to feel an urgency to act, to make a decision about things before I’m ready, or when action isn’t even necessary — and of course, she saw this in my chart, too. Not only was I given a lot of food for thought that was relevant to recent situations, but it will serve me well in all my future intimate relationships, as well.
Right now, my brain is locked in a loop of constantly asking what other people want, what other people feel, and what I should do about those things, and those are the wrong questions. Instead, Lanyadoo told me to start asking, “Am I acting with integrity? Am I taking care of myself? Am I centering honesty and being forthright? Am I committing to a fantasy of someone?” She explained, “These are the better questions to ask because they will help you break your patterns.”
Further, she encouraged me to live in the gray area, rather than to think in black and white terms. “Whenever you catch yourself saying this or that, either/or, you know that you’re in your compulsions. You know that you’re not in your best self because you don’t only have two options, here. For example, one option is, end it today. Another option is to go for it and make it happen. But there are actually myriad options in between.”
Living in the moment and believing in abundance rather than scarcity
When she bluntly said to me, “You are really hard on yourself around this stuff and you’re really obsessive, right?” I felt called out, though I know it’s true. When I like someone (whether it’s the initial stages of a crush, a hard like, or I’m in love) I tend to think about the relationship a lot. I think about what it means in the grand scheme of things, how not to fuck it up, whether I deserve to Feel the Feelings, and more — and it’s something I’m trying to create some boundaries for myself around.
Apparently, the universe is here to help me and those with similar tendencies draw those lines the hard way. Lanyadoo told me that, sure, I may have already met my future spouse (yes, she said that), but she also said I won’t know for sure for at least a year, and that I have to be okay with that and find a way to live my life, be present, and show up for myself. To help with this, she posed a couple of questions that I’ve written on multiple pieces of paper and stuffed in pockets, taped on walls, and shoved in my wallet: “Can you feel these feelings without attaching them to the future? Can you be present with how you love and how you like without needing to make proclamations or needing to have assurances about what’s going to come of it?”
Before I could even answer, she acknowledged that what she was asking would be difficult. “Now, the stubborn part of you says, ‘No, fuck you. I can’t, you dumb ass astrologer.’ But actually, this is what you want. This is what you’ve been working towards. Figuring out ways to be present with what you’re feeling without becoming codependent or attached in a way that doesn’t serve you.” And she was right.